Family

Today I experienced a eye opening, mind blowing revelation. Yesterday was the start of another migraine that flowed into today. Work could wait today, so I stayed home to recoup, which involved about 4 more hours of sleep, acetaminophen, and my daily beta-blocker. After the pain subsided, slowly life started to move through my body enough to turn on the T.V. After watching pretty much nothing, I looked at the On Demand options and found "Bones". Recently, I've been watching old episodes of Bones on Netflix during my treadmill sessions. The On Demand episode was the birth of Booth and Bone's baby. I had to watch (because I'm obsessed with having another child). It was a good episode, not one of the best, but good. The one line that struck me was when Bones, holding their newborn, looked up at Booth and says, "We're a family." I bawled my eyes out. That one little line struck such a chord in my mentally exhausted brain. Have I ever referred to my husband and my daughter as my family? I felt so ashamed of my selfishness. Have I ever thought of us being a complete family because we only had one child instead of the 2 or more I would have loved to have?

This past September I had another miscarriage. This time was tough for me to grasp because my husband and I agreed (prior to this pregnancy) that if I were to get pregnant again, it would be our last try. The pregnancy happened with the help of Clomid. At 6 weeks I had some bleeding and went in for an ultrasound. There were two sacs, one empty and the other with a teeny, tiny heartbeat. Is it true?! We have a heartbeat?! The last heartbeat we saw was our beautiful daughter's 6 years earlier. Things started progressing. I went back in at 8 weeks, the empty sac hadn't changed but the embryo was starting to take shape. The doctor was very happy with the progress and gave me a less than 5% chance of loss. At 9 weeks, I started to have some bleeding again, so another ultrasound was taken. The baby was fine. We saw arm buds and they were waving to us. A small blood clot was found near my cervix. I was told this wasn't a big concern but they wanted to see me back weekly until the clot either dislodged and eliminated or dissolved. I went back in at 10 weeks.

It was my daughter's first day of Kindergarten. My little girl was so grown-up. She smiled the whole time. She marched on the bus and into her classroom. I was so proud of her. In the afternoon, I was supposed to be happy, see her sibling waving back at me again. Sadly, that did not happen. The ultrasound tech was very quiet. She couldn't find a heartbeat. The baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. Heartbreaking. Heart-wrenching. Complete sadness. I felt like a failure... again.

Why do I keep torturing myself with this need to have another child? Am I afraid my daughter is going to be sticking out like a sore-thumb because she plays differently with friends that have siblings? She's not used to sharing. She doesn't know how to take turns. She doesn't know what it's like to have a sibling squabble and win or lose. I love the fact that we get more time with her but I wish she had someone closer in age that she could share her secrets, play dolls, dress-up, Legos. I wish she could have little kid dreams and little kid adventures. Because she has only her parents to spend time with, she doesn't get that time to be free. She's a wonderful child, why do I feel as if I let her down? Or is it me that I'm letting down? Or my husband? Ugh! Such and emotional day! It's a good thing I didn't go to work today.

On to bigger and better things. I'm working on starting my own business here soon. When all the details are finalized, I'll post the exciting info.

Trying to Catch-up on My Life

A dear friend of mine has been bugging me about writing in my blog. I didn't realize how long it's been. Well, let's get this started.

In May, my husband and I went to Hawaii. Don't get too excited, we had to work. We had a trade show to work for 4 days, so we only were able to take 2 extra days for vacation. If it wasn't for the company paying for our travel, lodging and food for 4 days, we probably wouldn't have gone for about another 10 years. It's so expensive for us. What we did see was beautiful. One of our favorite parts of the trip was taking a sea plane tour of the island. It was amazing to look to one side of the plane and see mountains and then ocean on the other side. It's just a gorgeous place. We were on the island of Oahu in Honolulu. If we had more time, we would have loved to explore more and other islands. We also did a luau but it was not on the beach (which it seems as everyone else has done one on the beach) but on a roof top. It was neat. The food however, was not quite right. LOL! We're not seafood folk so many of the items weren't on our plates. Along with some pork, we did take some rice that had some veggies however after a couple bites, I noticed tentacles. YUCK! I was done eating after that. As a souvenir, we bought a pineapple. It was one of the best pineapples I had ever eaten. We did a search online and found a site that showed how to grow a pineapple plant from the top of the pineapple. We don't plan on growing pineapples but just to have the plant as a memory is nice. We have a nice green planted pineapple top sitting in our dining room now.

In July, Hubby had another conference, this time in Boston. We decided to make it a family trip and brought our daughter along too. This was a short weekend excursion for us. The highlight of this trip was whale watching. It was the most moving experience to be that close to such a magnificent animal. We were on a New England Aquarium Whale Watch, here's a link to our actual outing... http://www.neaq.org/visit_planning/whale_watch/log/2009/07/july-16th-am.php

In the fall we decided to change our daughter's preschool. It was a hard decision to make but well worth it in the end. She has grown so much since we switch schools. She started writing her name at the new school, which really shocked me. She was a little over 3 1/2 and she was already writing her name. She is spelling out many words that she sees and even trying to sound words out. The school is much smaller than her previous school so there is more focused attention. I think this is fantastic! Now, don't get me wrong, I am not pushing her by any means to do any of this, she wants to learn all by herself. I just go along with the flow. Her little mind keeps me in awe. Yesterday she turned 4. I can't believe my baby is 4 already! She will be in Kindergarten before we know it. Wow.

Thanksgiving was very nice. My grandparents came along with my parents and brother. It was nice to have all of that family around. My grandmother cracks me up. She is a very dramatic person and I love everything about it! LOL! We had them playing the Wii and laughed the whole time. I hope I'm that active when I'm in my 80's.

About a week after Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant. Yeah! I started taking my Lovenox shots faithfully every night. The OB had my blood levels checked to make sure everything was progressing as it should. At the end of December, we went in for my ultrasound. We actually saw everything that we were supposed to this time, the only thing we didn't see was a heartbeat. :( The doctor decided to wait one more week and do another ultrasound. When we went back, the fetus didn't grow and there still wasn't a heartbeat. The doctor took another blood sample just to make sure and saw that my levels were high enough that there should have been a heartbeat. Two days later I had a D & C. I go back in a week for a follow-up. I'm not sure what to do now. Do we keep trying for another baby? I told my husband that I think I can do this one more time but after that, I'm done. It just hurts too much. We'll just sit back and see what happens.

Looking forward to this year. I will be going on the quilt retreat again this year with one of my guilds. A week later, we will be taking my parents to Niagara Falls for a mini vacation. Other than that, nothing else is planned.

My goals for the year:

1. Organize my sewing room / office
2. Organize my family room utilizing the new cabinets my parents built and the shelves that I built
3. Finish 3 quilts
4. Work on a having a healthier life style by eating right and working out
   
5. (this one's a wish) To have another baby just as wonderful as our daughter

I don't believe these are too difficult. Let's see where this year leads us.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you have many wonderful experiences.

Robin

Lab test results

I finally got the call with my lab results. "Normal male pregnancy". Hmmm. I thought there were 3? Initially when this whole situation was at it's high point I was okay because there wasn't a heartbeat or fetal pole to see and fall in love with. That call made it real, knowing that we lost a baby boy. When I read on message boards that people lost babies as early as I did and they name them a boy or girl name, I often wonder if it's just them naming them to help themselves cope. Now I know that they probably knew with testing just as I know now. Do I name him? Do I name him and not tell my husband? I have a hard time keeping secrets from him, how would I keep a name from him. What are his feelings? Does he feel we should put a name to the baby? So many questions that one part of me says it's just silly ramblings, the other says that it's a mark in my past and I need to name him.

**SOAPBOX COMMENT**
Okay, this totally disproves the comment from Pro-abortionists saying that it's not a baby until it's delivered. The ultrasound technician, doctors, or Hubby and I couldn't even see anything on the screen but yet the lab tests tell us the baby was a boy. A BOY! That is a baby. It starts when the egg and sperm meet.
**STEPPING DOWN FROM SOAPBOX**

Baby update #1

Today was the ultrasound with the high risk OB. They did find one more, making that 6, however they are only focusing on 3. They believe the others to be blood clots, cysts, or pregnancy tumors? The 3 larger ones are measuring +/- 6 weeks (where as I figure I am 8w5d). How can I be almost 3 weeks different? Anyway, I go back on the 25th for another ultrasound. If there is no fetal pole or heartbeat by that time then a D&C will be the next step. They want to do a D&C because there is too much going on in my uterus to feel comfortable about me going naturally.

So now, I guess I just sit back and wait...

ETA - I did call my regular OB to get my blood results. My beta levels are high, 45,000, showing that I am pregnant. She said that it is high enough to be thinking multiple babies too...I just got used to the fact that I was going to lose a baby, now I have to get used to the fact that my numbers are good and there might be triplets?! Someone up there likes to make my life a little challenging?

Loss for words and emotions

Well, today was ultrasound day and things didn't turn out quite the way we expected. My appointment was at 10 am. As I wait for 20 minutes with that paper sheet over my legs, Hubby and I are talking baby stuff. The Dr comes in and the ultrasound starts. For those of you who haven't experienced this first ultrasound, it's not the one that they show on T.V. with the jelly in your belly... this one's internal, basically a joystick in your hoo-ha... not comfortable. Anyway, the Dr proceeds to twist and turn the wand and had a quizzical look on her face. She then tells us that she sees 3 sacs but no embryos. She asked that we come back in the afternoon to see the u/s tech for a more defined look. That appointment was scheduled for 1:40 pm.

I told Hubby I wasn't ready to go back to work, which was just around the corner. After a quick bite to eat, I dropped him off (we work at the same office) and he informed my boss and his boss of the situation. I then called a girlfriend of mine who had a similar situation a couple years ago. Thankfully she was home and able to talk to me. She was a big help to all of my wandering emotions. She listened to my questions, answered me truthfully and with great information. Thanks Kim for all your help!

I then called Hubby and he had me pick him up. We drove around almost mindlessly running some errands wondering what's going to happen next.

Now it's time for the u/s tech to see what's going on. "Hmm" she says, "I haven't seen anything like this in my 22 years. Were you on fertility treatments?"

"No..." I said. "Dr. saw 3 sacs, do you see more?"

"Yes. But I'm not sure if they are sacs or cysts."

"But you still don't see a heartbeat?"

"No."

Dr's consult... "Um, we're not sure what to do. We see 5 sacs or cysts, none of them viable from what we can tell. I would like to send you a high risk OB to get a second opinion."

"O.K." I mean, what else can I say?

So at this point, I'm waiting till Monday to see what the heck is going on in there. Luckily my ovaries look good...

I'll keep you posted...

"Yeah!" and "Boo!"

All right, I can't take it anymore.... I'm pregnant!! Yeah!! The "Boo!" part, morning sickness has kicked in with vengeance! I was SO hoping that it wasn't going to be as bad as it was last time but it looks like it's going to be just as bad... UGH! The part that's harder is now I have a toddler that I have to take care of in the morning when Hubby is out of town. Luckily this morning was one of her best mornings. I am only 7 weeks along and will get my first ultrasound next Thursday. I haven't been able to fit in my regular pants since 5 weeks. Last time I was able to go the whole 12 weeks before announcing and wearing maternity clothes.

Hopefully my grandparents don't find out before they come and visit at the end of the month. My parents have agreed not to say anything but there's always room for a slip-up.

I'll post a picture of the little bean next week. Keep your fingers crossed that there is only one! :) (My MIL said that I couldn't fit into my clothes already because I was preggo with twins. Apparently they run in her family. :-s )

I started taking my Lovenox shots once I got the positive pregnancy test. I hate shots, however, I'm getting used to them. The medication burns and I have many small bruises all over my stomach. No bare belly shots for me! This is preventative for my blood clotting in hopes that my pregnancy will go full-term this time with no pre-eclampsia. Also, I continue to take the baby aspirin and Rx folic acid.

My due date is April 22nd but we are hoping for the 17th as that is my birthday, plus Little girl was born on the 17th of another month as well as my MIL is the 17th of another month. Hubby only has to remember months, no dates! :)

Yesterday

Yesterday, March 3rd, is DD's original due date. Who knew she would come almost 7 weeks early? I took her to see her nurse friends at the Special Care Unit. They were so excited to see her. She's gained almost 2 pounds since she left a month ago. I had to dress her in Buckeye gear because they all joked with DH about how much Buckeye gear he had. DD even had a little bracelet that they giggled about.

My pregnancy with DD was quite an experience. Even getting pregnant was more of a challange than I expected. It took us 10 months. After the first 6 months I called my OB and asked to see her. She told me that she would only see me after a year. Being as persistant as I am, I found a new OB. I had been charting my temperatures during those months and took them to the new OB. She said that with what she saw, I should have been pg. She ran some of the preliminary blood work, checking my thyroid levels and such. Everything came back normal. She even had DH tested (I still think he's a trooper for this). During that first visit I told her that I didn't think I had ever had chicken pox. Upon hearing this, she ordered me to get vaccinated which ment 3 months of taking time off from TTC. The last thing I discussed with her was some bladder issues I was having. After sending me to a gyno urologist, he sent me to physical therapy. WHAT?! PT for your bladder?!! Well, it worked. DH and I also believe that it helped us get pg too. I think every women should learn about taking care of their pelvic floor muscles.

I knew I was pg 3 days before it was to start. I didn't want to eat my dinner, which eatting any meal is a big deal for me. The night I finally got the BFP (Big Fat Positive) was after being at a dinner for my GF for her second baby shower. I came home and POAS (Peed On A Stick)...BFP!!! I immediately called DH to "check something out." I showed him the test and we both cried. It was awesome! Not at all the way I wanted to surprise him but the result was still great. Next on the list, who to tell and when.

A couple days later we left for vacation to Disney World. There we spent time with his sister, her BF and another friend of hers. We had a blast, luckily we didn't eat much with them so my disgust for food didn't show too much. We eventually decided to tell DH's sister. Well, let me put it this way, DH kept dropping hints but he wouldn't let me tell her. I finally had to yell at him and he said OK. LOL!! I think he wanted to tell her too. She was so excited to be an aunt. When we came home from vacation, we then told the grandparents by giving them bibs with "I Love Grandma/pa." This baby is the first grandchild on both sides. Can you say SPOILED?! LOL!!

We decided to wait till the common 12-week mark to tell the rest of the world. I did tell my boss because morning sickness struck at 6 weeks with avengance. I ended up having m/s till the 5th month with being on Zofran for the nausea the whole time. Boy was I glad that was over with, what could be worse than that? Hmmm....

Week 26, here comes the rash...OMG did it itch!! I have never had something itch so bad in my life. DH recalls waking up in the middle of the night to find me sitting on the edge of the bath tub just itching away. He says it was a bit disturbing. LOL!! I just wanted to itch my skin off it was so bad. The OB had blood work drawn for that to make sure it wasn't something related to my gall bladder. Luckily it wasn't. It started to clear up with some nice steroid cream.

Week 29... DH and I were at a wedding and I had to sit the whole time because I was having Braxton Hicks. Feet up, drinking water. It didn't really stop till I came home and went to bed. At 4 am I woke up in the middle of another contraction. I went to the bathroom, came back to bed and had another contraction. I sat there for a couple minutes and had another contraction. After a call to the OB, DH took me to the hospital. We spent about 4 hours in the OB ER triage when they admitted me. I tested positive for fetal fibronectin, which ment if I wasn't treated, I could deliver within a week or two. They put me on magnesium to stop the contractions. I would never wish magnesium on anyone. It makes you loopy, hot, and you can't drink! I was only allowed 90 cc of liquid every hour. My urine had to be measured to make sure I was letting out what I was putting in. I spent 5 days in the hospital before they sent me home with a turbutaline pump.

The turbutaline pump was the ticket home. Unfortunately it ment bedrest and monitoring at least twice a day. Luckily with my bedrest, I was allowed to go downstairs and sit on the couch during the day. I had to put a contraction monitor on my belly twice a day. If my contractions were more then 6 an hour I had to take an extra dose of T and monitor again. In the beginning it was a trial period to see the level of my tolerance for the meds. Because of that trial period, I was monitoring, what seemed like, 12 hours a day. It finally became level after about 5 days. On the 5th day I had to change the pump site. For a person who hates needles, this was a difficult task. One of the nurses came out to help me, we arranged this before I even left the hospital. After some shaking and blubbering, I finally did it. I was a little more comfortable after I did it a couple more times.

During my weeks on bedrest my blood pressure started to rise. This was no way a result of the turbutaline (which makes your heart race). After multiple daily readings of my BP, the OB ran some more blood work. Now, the blood work taken in November for my rash showed my liver enzymes at 16 -very good. In January my liver enzymes were over 100! That sent up a red flag. The next thing they had me do is a 24-hour urine collection. CAN YOU SAY YUCK!! I had to collect my pee for 24-hours and keep it refrigerated!!!! UGH!!! It still gives me the willies just thinking about it. (LOL!! I just realized that we have a new fridge now. Hehehe. Not because of that reason but it's a good one!!) My count came up to 297 and 300 is concidered toxemic. Needless to say, I was put in the hospital again for survaillence. My BP came down a little in the hospital so they sent me home again. That was on Friday, I was sent back on Monday to be induced because my BP at one point was 164/110! Looking back at how I felt then and how I feel today, I was pretty ill. The headache was bad and seeing stars is a big no-no. I was put on mag again but this time it was to keep me from the posibility of having seizures because I was now diagnosed with pre-eclampsia.

Let me back track for just a second, remember I said that I was a person who didn't like needles? Okay, when they originally admitted me it was just for monitoring. My OB talked to a high risk OB and then it was decided to induce me. That leads to I.V.s... it took 4 trys before they could get the I.V. in me. I was so bruised. Once again... I HATE NEEDLES!!

What you see on "The Baby Story" don't believe. You can't have a baby in a 1/2 hour. After I came home I started to watch the clock on the wall in those delivery rooms. It ticks on and on for sometimes hours.... Anyways... Monday night I was giving Cervidil. Tuesday morning the Cervidil was removed and Pitocin was started about 10 am. At 11:30 I was only 2 cm but they decided to break my water to get things going. Early afternoon I was about 3 cm and in so much pain I asked for the epidural. Again, back to "The Baby Story", those women all seem to be about 5 or 6 cm when they ask for the epi. I told the nurse that I can't because I'm only 3 cm. She proceeded to tell me "Honey, you are on pitocin, take the epidural". During this time of wait, the baby's heartrate was starting to drop. It seemed like every nurse and dr rushed in and watched me. I was repeatedly to told to shift positions to get the rate back up. Come to find out later that the cord was around her neck.

Around 5:30 pm things started to progress. I suddenly felt as if the baby was going to fall out. They called the OB and she arrived at 6:00 pm. Since I was early and had pre-e, I had to be moved to an operating room just in case a C-section was needed. I pushed for an hour. Back to "The Baby Story," pushing is not the same. It looks like you will push for 10 seconds, wait about 10 seconds and then push again. Nope. You push for 10 seconds with the contraction. After the contraction is the wait to the next contraction. Tick Tock Tick Tock. During this wait the doctors talk about the meetings that they just had or what their vacation was like. "Um, excuse me... I'm lying here on a table with my legs going in completely opposite directions showing my goods to the world and you are talking about your vacations? Shouldn't we be doing something, like deliver my baby?" It was not what I expected. DD was born at 7:03 pm. My nurse was happy because she was able to see my baby be born, her shift was over at 7 pm.

DD was in the Special Care Unit of the hospital for 2 1/2 weeks. When she was born she weighed in at 4 lbs 15 oz and was 18 inches long. I thought that if the baby was 5 lbs she would be sent home. That's not the case. A premature baby doesn't know how to suck. It's one of the last things that is developed inutero. It took her that long to figure out how to take a bottle which gets frustrating because you want your little one home with you. During her time at the hospital, she was also treated for jaundice. That's another thing that delayed her coming home.
She is now home and doing very well. We love our baby girl and couldn't imaging life without her. I did find out that what could have been the cause of the pre-e is that I have two blood clotting factors. I have to take folic acid and baby aspirin for the rest of my life. When we decide to have another baby, I will have to have heparin (blood thinner) injections daily during the pregnancy. It's all worth it, even though I don't like needles.