Today I experienced a eye opening, mind blowing revelation. Yesterday was the start of another migraine that flowed into today. Work could wait today, so I stayed home to recoup, which involved about 4 more hours of sleep, acetaminophen, and my daily beta-blocker. After the pain subsided, slowly life started to move through my body enough to turn on the T.V. After watching pretty much nothing, I looked at the On Demand options and found "Bones". Recently, I've been watching old episodes of Bones on Netflix during my treadmill sessions. The On Demand episode was the birth of Booth and Bone's baby. I had to watch (because I'm obsessed with having another child). It was a good episode, not one of the best, but good. The one line that struck me was when Bones, holding their newborn, looked up at Booth and says, "We're a family." I bawled my eyes out. That one little line struck such a chord in my mentally exhausted brain. Have I ever referred to my husband and my daughter as my family? I felt so ashamed of my selfishness. Have I ever thought of us being a complete family because we only had one child instead of the 2 or more I would have loved to have?
This past September I had another miscarriage. This time was tough for me to grasp because my husband and I agreed (prior to this pregnancy) that if I were to get pregnant again, it would be our last try. The pregnancy happened with the help of Clomid. At 6 weeks I had some bleeding and went in for an ultrasound. There were two sacs, one empty and the other with a teeny, tiny heartbeat. Is it true?! We have a heartbeat?! The last heartbeat we saw was our beautiful daughter's 6 years earlier. Things started progressing. I went back in at 8 weeks, the empty sac hadn't changed but the embryo was starting to take shape. The doctor was very happy with the progress and gave me a less than 5% chance of loss. At 9 weeks, I started to have some bleeding again, so another ultrasound was taken. The baby was fine. We saw arm buds and they were waving to us. A small blood clot was found near my cervix. I was told this wasn't a big concern but they wanted to see me back weekly until the clot either dislodged and eliminated or dissolved. I went back in at 10 weeks.
It was my daughter's first day of Kindergarten. My little girl was so grown-up. She smiled the whole time. She marched on the bus and into her classroom. I was so proud of her. In the afternoon, I was supposed to be happy, see her sibling waving back at me again. Sadly, that did not happen. The ultrasound tech was very quiet. She couldn't find a heartbeat. The baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. Heartbreaking. Heart-wrenching. Complete sadness. I felt like a failure... again.
Why do I keep torturing myself with this need to have another child? Am I afraid my daughter is going to be sticking out like a sore-thumb because she plays differently with friends that have siblings? She's not used to sharing. She doesn't know how to take turns. She doesn't know what it's like to have a sibling squabble and win or lose. I love the fact that we get more time with her but I wish she had someone closer in age that she could share her secrets, play dolls, dress-up, Legos. I wish she could have little kid dreams and little kid adventures. Because she has only her parents to spend time with, she doesn't get that time to be free. She's a wonderful child, why do I feel as if I let her down? Or is it me that I'm letting down? Or my husband? Ugh! Such and emotional day! It's a good thing I didn't go to work today.
On to bigger and better things. I'm working on starting my own business here soon. When all the details are finalized, I'll post the exciting info.
The life of the family loving known as The Freebs through the eyes of Mom. Living life with food allergies, creating quilts, and anything else that comes to mind.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Monday, April 9, 2012
Saturday, January 30, 2010
D & C Follow-up
On Tuesday I went for my 2 week D & C follow-up. The Dr had some results already but is still waiting for a little more for conformation. However, what he did tell me is that it looks like the miscarriage was not caused by my blood clotting, nor was it a genetic problem passed on from my husband or myself. There were abnormal genes though. Apparently I had what is called a "partial molar" pregnancy. This link from the Cleveland Clinic explains it pretty well. http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/molar_pregnancy/hic_partial_molar_pregnancy.aspx
Because of the type of pregnancy it was and the concern with cancer associated with it (curable I'm told), I have to be monitored for 6 months and we cannot get pregnant during that time either. That really sucks. While I was there, they took the first blood test. If the results come back at zero, I don't have to go back for a month. If it's raised above zero, I have to go back in 2 weeks. Well, it was 46. That means that there is still more tissue in there. Yuck.
In the mean time, I've been cleaning my office/sewing room. One of my quilt friends is collecting fabric and sewing machines for a group of immigrants (I forget where they are from). I have a couple bins of fabric that I think I'm able to give her. We'll see. I'm still buried under mounds of stuff right now. I'll try posting pics but unfortunately I'm having trouble with Blogger.
Because of the type of pregnancy it was and the concern with cancer associated with it (curable I'm told), I have to be monitored for 6 months and we cannot get pregnant during that time either. That really sucks. While I was there, they took the first blood test. If the results come back at zero, I don't have to go back for a month. If it's raised above zero, I have to go back in 2 weeks. Well, it was 46. That means that there is still more tissue in there. Yuck.
In the mean time, I've been cleaning my office/sewing room. One of my quilt friends is collecting fabric and sewing machines for a group of immigrants (I forget where they are from). I have a couple bins of fabric that I think I'm able to give her. We'll see. I'm still buried under mounds of stuff right now. I'll try posting pics but unfortunately I'm having trouble with Blogger.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Trying to Catch-up on My Life
A dear friend of mine has been bugging me about writing in my blog. I didn't realize how long it's been. Well, let's get this started.
In May, my husband and I went to Hawaii. Don't get too excited, we had to work. We had a trade show to work for 4 days, so we only were able to take 2 extra days for vacation. If it wasn't for the company paying for our travel, lodging and food for 4 days, we probably wouldn't have gone for about another 10 years. It's so expensive for us. What we did see was beautiful. One of our favorite parts of the trip was taking a sea plane tour of the island. It was amazing to look to one side of the plane and see mountains and then ocean on the other side. It's just a gorgeous place. We were on the island of Oahu in Honolulu. If we had more time, we would have loved to explore more and other islands. We also did a luau but it was not on the beach (which it seems as everyone else has done one on the beach) but on a roof top. It was neat. The food however, was not quite right. LOL! We're not seafood folk so many of the items weren't on our plates. Along with some pork, we did take some rice that had some veggies however after a couple bites, I noticed tentacles. YUCK! I was done eating after that. As a souvenir, we bought a pineapple. It was one of the best pineapples I had ever eaten. We did a search online and found a site that showed how to grow a pineapple plant from the top of the pineapple. We don't plan on growing pineapples but just to have the plant as a memory is nice. We have a nice green planted pineapple top sitting in our dining room now.
In July, Hubby had another conference, this time in Boston. We decided to make it a family trip and brought our daughter along too. This was a short weekend excursion for us. The highlight of this trip was whale watching. It was the most moving experience to be that close to such a magnificent animal. We were on a New England Aquarium Whale Watch, here's a link to our actual outing... http://www.neaq.org/visit_planning/whale_watch/log/2009/07/july-16th-am.php
In the fall we decided to change our daughter's preschool. It was a hard decision to make but well worth it in the end. She has grown so much since we switch schools. She started writing her name at the new school, which really shocked me. She was a little over 3 1/2 and she was already writing her name. She is spelling out many words that she sees and even trying to sound words out. The school is much smaller than her previous school so there is more focused attention. I think this is fantastic! Now, don't get me wrong, I am not pushing her by any means to do any of this, she wants to learn all by herself. I just go along with the flow. Her little mind keeps me in awe. Yesterday she turned 4. I can't believe my baby is 4 already! She will be in Kindergarten before we know it. Wow.
Thanksgiving was very nice. My grandparents came along with my parents and brother. It was nice to have all of that family around. My grandmother cracks me up. She is a very dramatic person and I love everything about it! LOL! We had them playing the Wii and laughed the whole time. I hope I'm that active when I'm in my 80's.
About a week after Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant. Yeah! I started taking my Lovenox shots faithfully every night. The OB had my blood levels checked to make sure everything was progressing as it should. At the end of December, we went in for my ultrasound. We actually saw everything that we were supposed to this time, the only thing we didn't see was a heartbeat. :( The doctor decided to wait one more week and do another ultrasound. When we went back, the fetus didn't grow and there still wasn't a heartbeat. The doctor took another blood sample just to make sure and saw that my levels were high enough that there should have been a heartbeat. Two days later I had a D & C. I go back in a week for a follow-up. I'm not sure what to do now. Do we keep trying for another baby? I told my husband that I think I can do this one more time but after that, I'm done. It just hurts too much. We'll just sit back and see what happens.
Looking forward to this year. I will be going on the quilt retreat again this year with one of my guilds. A week later, we will be taking my parents to Niagara Falls for a mini vacation. Other than that, nothing else is planned.
My goals for the year:
Happy New Year everyone! I hope you have many wonderful experiences.
Robin
In May, my husband and I went to Hawaii. Don't get too excited, we had to work. We had a trade show to work for 4 days, so we only were able to take 2 extra days for vacation. If it wasn't for the company paying for our travel, lodging and food for 4 days, we probably wouldn't have gone for about another 10 years. It's so expensive for us. What we did see was beautiful. One of our favorite parts of the trip was taking a sea plane tour of the island. It was amazing to look to one side of the plane and see mountains and then ocean on the other side. It's just a gorgeous place. We were on the island of Oahu in Honolulu. If we had more time, we would have loved to explore more and other islands. We also did a luau but it was not on the beach (which it seems as everyone else has done one on the beach) but on a roof top. It was neat. The food however, was not quite right. LOL! We're not seafood folk so many of the items weren't on our plates. Along with some pork, we did take some rice that had some veggies however after a couple bites, I noticed tentacles. YUCK! I was done eating after that. As a souvenir, we bought a pineapple. It was one of the best pineapples I had ever eaten. We did a search online and found a site that showed how to grow a pineapple plant from the top of the pineapple. We don't plan on growing pineapples but just to have the plant as a memory is nice. We have a nice green planted pineapple top sitting in our dining room now.
In July, Hubby had another conference, this time in Boston. We decided to make it a family trip and brought our daughter along too. This was a short weekend excursion for us. The highlight of this trip was whale watching. It was the most moving experience to be that close to such a magnificent animal. We were on a New England Aquarium Whale Watch, here's a link to our actual outing... http://www.neaq.org/visit_planning/whale_watch/log/2009/07/july-16th-am.php
In the fall we decided to change our daughter's preschool. It was a hard decision to make but well worth it in the end. She has grown so much since we switch schools. She started writing her name at the new school, which really shocked me. She was a little over 3 1/2 and she was already writing her name. She is spelling out many words that she sees and even trying to sound words out. The school is much smaller than her previous school so there is more focused attention. I think this is fantastic! Now, don't get me wrong, I am not pushing her by any means to do any of this, she wants to learn all by herself. I just go along with the flow. Her little mind keeps me in awe. Yesterday she turned 4. I can't believe my baby is 4 already! She will be in Kindergarten before we know it. Wow.
Thanksgiving was very nice. My grandparents came along with my parents and brother. It was nice to have all of that family around. My grandmother cracks me up. She is a very dramatic person and I love everything about it! LOL! We had them playing the Wii and laughed the whole time. I hope I'm that active when I'm in my 80's.
About a week after Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant. Yeah! I started taking my Lovenox shots faithfully every night. The OB had my blood levels checked to make sure everything was progressing as it should. At the end of December, we went in for my ultrasound. We actually saw everything that we were supposed to this time, the only thing we didn't see was a heartbeat. :( The doctor decided to wait one more week and do another ultrasound. When we went back, the fetus didn't grow and there still wasn't a heartbeat. The doctor took another blood sample just to make sure and saw that my levels were high enough that there should have been a heartbeat. Two days later I had a D & C. I go back in a week for a follow-up. I'm not sure what to do now. Do we keep trying for another baby? I told my husband that I think I can do this one more time but after that, I'm done. It just hurts too much. We'll just sit back and see what happens.
Looking forward to this year. I will be going on the quilt retreat again this year with one of my guilds. A week later, we will be taking my parents to Niagara Falls for a mini vacation. Other than that, nothing else is planned.
My goals for the year:
- Organize my sewing room / office
- Organize my family room utilizing the new cabinets my parents built and the shelves that I built
- Finish 3 quilts
- Work on a having a healthier life style by eating right and working out
- (this one's a wish) To have another baby just as wonderful as our daughter
Happy New Year everyone! I hope you have many wonderful experiences.
Robin
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sorry!
It's been a while since I've posted. Things are doing better since the test results. We've decided to name our angel boy T.J. (Thomas James). That's helped my heart a little more. We're still trying for another baby so keep your fingers crossed.
Lately I've been enthralled with Facebook. It's a great way to get reconnected with people. At my 15 year high school reunion this past summer, we all talked about staying connected and someone mentioned Facebook. It really is addictive. I've also become "friends" with Annie and Kirsten Smith from "Simple Arts" podcasts, Jennifer Ruvalcaba (Patchwork and Pacifiers podcast), and Pat Sloan (lovely appliques). I think I just saw Alex Anderson so I might try to "friend" her too! :) There are quite a few quilting groups on there.
Onto quilty things! I recently finished up a block swap with one of my quilt guilds. We did a fake 9 patch, where only the center was a different color. We did brights with a black center. These all turned out very sharp! I can't wait to put them together.
This weekend I'm taking a workshop on the Lone Star. We bought a kit that included interfacing with the design imprinted and you sew and iron your pattern together that way. Here's what I drafted in my EQ6. My fabrics are a little different so I think the order might change. We'll see. I'll have a picture (I hope) to post next week.
At the beginning of April I'm going on my first quilt retreat. I'm very exited! I have a large bin of quilts that I have WIP that I'm going to take with me. Hopefully I will make some progress on them. It will be fun too, we're going to have a Secret Sister game going, as well as a massage therapist (a husband of one of the other quilters). It will be nice to get away with my quilty friends.
I've been holding off on one of my projects because I think I got myself in a little too deep. It's a really nice wall hanging/table runner of sea shells and the like. I bought it as a thank you for the owners of the company where I work, but it was over a year ago. It's mostly applique and I've never done applique before, but love the look of it. One of my goals this year is to take an applique class. I need to get this one done!
Lately I've been enthralled with Facebook. It's a great way to get reconnected with people. At my 15 year high school reunion this past summer, we all talked about staying connected and someone mentioned Facebook. It really is addictive. I've also become "friends" with Annie and Kirsten Smith from "Simple Arts" podcasts, Jennifer Ruvalcaba (Patchwork and Pacifiers podcast), and Pat Sloan (lovely appliques). I think I just saw Alex Anderson so I might try to "friend" her too! :) There are quite a few quilting groups on there.
Onto quilty things! I recently finished up a block swap with one of my quilt guilds. We did a fake 9 patch, where only the center was a different color. We did brights with a black center. These all turned out very sharp! I can't wait to put them together.
This weekend I'm taking a workshop on the Lone Star. We bought a kit that included interfacing with the design imprinted and you sew and iron your pattern together that way. Here's what I drafted in my EQ6. My fabrics are a little different so I think the order might change. We'll see. I'll have a picture (I hope) to post next week.
At the beginning of April I'm going on my first quilt retreat. I'm very exited! I have a large bin of quilts that I have WIP that I'm going to take with me. Hopefully I will make some progress on them. It will be fun too, we're going to have a Secret Sister game going, as well as a massage therapist (a husband of one of the other quilters). It will be nice to get away with my quilty friends.
I've been holding off on one of my projects because I think I got myself in a little too deep. It's a really nice wall hanging/table runner of sea shells and the like. I bought it as a thank you for the owners of the company where I work, but it was over a year ago. It's mostly applique and I've never done applique before, but love the look of it. One of my goals this year is to take an applique class. I need to get this one done!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Lab test results
I finally got the call with my lab results. "Normal male pregnancy". Hmmm. I thought there were 3? Initially when this whole situation was at it's high point I was okay because there wasn't a heartbeat or fetal pole to see and fall in love with. That call made it real, knowing that we lost a baby boy. When I read on message boards that people lost babies as early as I did and they name them a boy or girl name, I often wonder if it's just them naming them to help themselves cope. Now I know that they probably knew with testing just as I know now. Do I name him? Do I name him and not tell my husband? I have a hard time keeping secrets from him, how would I keep a name from him. What are his feelings? Does he feel we should put a name to the baby? So many questions that one part of me says it's just silly ramblings, the other says that it's a mark in my past and I need to name him.
**SOAPBOX COMMENT**
Okay, this totally disproves the comment from Pro-abortionists saying that it's not a baby until it's delivered. The ultrasound technician, doctors, or Hubby and I couldn't even see anything on the screen but yet the lab tests tell us the baby was a boy. A BOY! That is a baby. It starts when the egg and sperm meet.
**STEPPING DOWN FROM SOAPBOX**
**SOAPBOX COMMENT**
Okay, this totally disproves the comment from Pro-abortionists saying that it's not a baby until it's delivered. The ultrasound technician, doctors, or Hubby and I couldn't even see anything on the screen but yet the lab tests tell us the baby was a boy. A BOY! That is a baby. It starts when the egg and sperm meet.
**STEPPING DOWN FROM SOAPBOX**
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)